I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
You Might Also Like
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.