I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
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My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
That’s fair
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving