@gorrdano: I'm always ready with my mallet when sewer workers poke their head up from under a manhole.
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@KeetPotato: wife: "what on earth are you doing?" me: "making a penguin" wife: "that's a pigeon" me: [opening freezer door] "not for long"
@HeyZeus666: Now 91 is waving his diaper over his head while 86 is running down the street naked with 79's pants. Working in the old folks home is hard.
@zachreinert03: Saw a sticker that said "my son was an honor student". I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he's not dead, maybe he's just stupid now
@AndyRichter: My body is a temple, but it's one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place