[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
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Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?