90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
You Might Also Like
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.