[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
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Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?