Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
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*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
We cut our bangs at dawn.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.