I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
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I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
who will stop them
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?