This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
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Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts