I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
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Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.