A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
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“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’