I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
You Might Also Like
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”