I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
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Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Pigeon open mic night.