“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
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*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
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Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.