I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
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Thursday
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.