I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
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the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
He just like my cat fr
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*