im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
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an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]