@SaddestTiger: im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i'll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
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@sixfootcandy: [blind date] Me: So you can't see me? Him: Nope. Not at all. Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
@_NTFG_: I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn't in a band anymore and starts yawning by 9pm and just wants to be home drinking tea.
@squirrel74wkgn: My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
@TheCatWhisprer: I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.