Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
You Might Also Like
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
⛄️
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.