I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
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triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.