I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
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I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully