I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
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It has been 3 years since Monday.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?