I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
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Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
I think we should hear other voices.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?