I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
You Might Also Like
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script