Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
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Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Mountain Goat : )
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?