FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
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I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
is it earth
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]