We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
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I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now