@cbdoubleu: I'm anti-thesaurus, for lack of a better word.
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@AmishPornStar1: "What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?" -inventor of Lucky Charms
@PaperWash: If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I'm going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
@noog: Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming "SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR"
@dafloydsta: [bankruptcy court] JUDGE: Didn't you do any financial planning? ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances