*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
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Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy