tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
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The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.