I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
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[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
so i’m at the stock market right
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house