I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
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ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
seems fine