@Dutch_50: I'm at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I'll need to rake.
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@dorkwing_duck: [PRESS CONFERENCE] Me: I'm going on the record. Yes, I'd go back in time to kill a baby Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler? Me: sure, whoever
@ComedicBust: Whenever I kill an ant, I always assume a surviving ant tells the rest of the ants and they have a meeting on how to kill me in my sleep.
@RexHuppke: "Let's take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant." - inventor of the birthday party
@Rollinintheseat: The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat