I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
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I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.