I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
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Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH