I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
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Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Optional boss fight.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB