I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
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Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Hit me in the face with a bird
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
how to have an accident 101
that lip filler tho
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time