@torieannesalt: I'm at my classiest when my date rips my bra off and cookie crumbs fall out
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@ilovepie84: "Jesus take the wheel" -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
@mommy_cusses: Sorry, can't. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
@riesypiecey: its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
@AaronFullerton: Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren't the worst. Me: Wall-E's friend was a cockroach. Wife: Except that.