Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
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Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor