@hollywoodsigh: I'm at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it's cold.
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@Josievorenkamp: When someone starts a Facebook post with "there are no words..." You better get prepared because you're about to read a lot of words.
@EndhooS: Wife: He's always lying about his celebrity connections.. Therapist: Is this true? Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
@nbadag: FRIEND: get our wedding invitation? ME: i did, somebody hand wrote 'do not bring pan flute' F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that