Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
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“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…