@hollywoodsigh: I'm at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it's cold.
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@KyleMcDowell86: I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
@Mikel_Jollett: Instagram: My life is a party. Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show Facebook: My life turned out great! Twitter: We're all going to die.
@stephenjmolloy: [Pharmacy] Me: I need 50 packets of condoms Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend! *I wink* *cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*