For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
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Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*