I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
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why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…