I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
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Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”