I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
You Might Also Like
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
#parenting
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”