I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
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your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Respect
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Hot Panini is in big trouble
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Finally!
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.