Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
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Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂