I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
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governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.