I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
You Might Also Like
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Software Development ⛵️
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles