My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
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Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*