I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
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You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
they really do be looking like this
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves