@sarcasticmommy4: I'm at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald's employee what my change back should be.
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@SirEviscerate: *uses blood from wounds to write my killer's name on the floor* I...will be...avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON'T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
@KeetPotato: therapist: "remember there are no stupid questions" wife: "okay" therapist: "keith you start" me: "do sharks ever need to have a bath?"
@squirrel74wkgn: [at the club] Me: ...everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots Her: Just take them off
@Alex_N_Chains: Clean tweeting is liberating. You don't need profanity to make a point. Look: Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.