I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
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A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean