@sarcasticmommy4: I'm at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald's employee what my change back should be.
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@UnicornSyrup: Whenever people say "anything is possible", I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
@living_marble: Dearest wife, The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
@Crunk_Jews: [blind date] Her: I was so scared you'd be a weirdo Me [revving chainsaw]: I CANT HEAR YOU