I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
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[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant