Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
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Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs